First, Go To Your Brother
A Lesson on Resolving Conflict in the Church.
Christians are humans and as such we still sin. We are saved but we often turn back to the flesh and our old ways instead of listening to the Holy Spirit and letting God change us. We are supposed to confess these things and by the constant confession we draw closer to God as he works on us.
Because of this, conflict often occurs in churches. Places where people should be loved, respected, treated as equal, and feel safe and welcome can become hostile places where we feel none of this. We can often have conflict with other believers or groups of believers in churches believe it or not.
Jesus in the book of Matthew sets down how conflicts of this sort are to be resolved. He says “Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglects to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.”---Matthew 18:15-17
It doesn’t say, “Run and snitch to your pastor.” I have looked everywhere, and I cannot find it at all. What amazes me is that pastors allow it; and even go confront the “offending” brother for the other person. A pastor or person in authority should refuse, and immediately ask the tattle tale “Did you go to the person alone already?” This simple question would take so much pressure off a pastor or leader, and solve many problems in the body.
The first thing that refusing to
follow the words of Christ does is make the pastor or leader look bad. They are
violating the words of Christ in order to confront someone for allegedly
violating the words of Christ. How ridiculous is that? They are wrong from the
get go. Then, it creates a barrier between the authority and the alleged
offender. The pastor or leader should be someone that every member can go to
and feel safe talking to or gain spiritual advice from. But now, here’s this
thing that has popped up between them causing embarrassment or anger or
resentment. It is from Satan and is part of his effort to divide the flock, so
he can isolate members and destroy them. If you can't talk with your pastor because he has joined with people trying to destroy or hurt you, that is a bad place.
Jesus knows our frame. He knows we have a
corrupted nature and that we will sin. He set down rules for a particular
reason, and to be followed in a particular way. Think about it. He knows we are
often petty. He knows we get bitter, and irritated or frustrated, and that we
think only of self. So, he commands that if we have something against a brother
or sister we should go to them alone.
The purpose of this is to cause the
person to consider whether it’s really worth confronting someone over, or not. Does
it need to lead to a confrontation that could destroy friendships and drive
people away? But, if you can just go
complain to someone else and get them to attack the person, there’s no soul
searching needed.
You are supposed to carefully
consider yourself first. What is my real motive in this confrontation? Do I
have a valid reason or is it just my pet peeve or OCD acting up again? Do I
have a real relationship with this brother or sister, to be able to go to them
in love? What will be the possible outcome? What’s the worst case scenario? Is
it really sin? Could God be using this to grow me; and reveal flaws in me that
I need to look at and confess to Him, so He can get that stuff out of me? What
is really going on with this brother or sister?
Do you see the self reflection that
should come from this situation? Next, it should lead a person to search the
scriptures, and pray to the Lord for the Holy Spirit to show them what the Word
says on the subject. A believer must go to a person in love, but also realize
that they are going to them in the authority of the Lord. If not, then don’t go
to them. Just leave it alone instead. Pray for them, and forgive them within
yourself.
Believers are supposed to be focused
on their own walk with God, not worrying about what others are doing. “Am I my
brother’s keeper?” God never answered
this question, but there are other places in scripture that shows we are to be
concerned with the lives of others as well. However, the scriptures also show
that there are ways to do this.
First, focus on your own walk. Mind
your own business. You are as much a sinner as anyone else, remember that. What
if God decided to be as picky toward you as you are to others? What if He
decided to strike you every time you sin? Consider this. Then show grace, like
God does. He is teaching you grace. Second, there are times when someone does
something to you that needs to be dealt with. Pray about it, and then go to the
person alone, in love with scriptures to support you if needed. Do not let it
become an argument. Say your piece, then listen to their reply, then answer
again, and listen to their reply, then start to work your way out of the
situation.
Also, sometimes the Lord will bring
someone else’s sin to your attention. There are many reasons for this. First,
maybe he is using someone else’s sin to teach you something about
yourself. Second, He wants you to pray
for the person caught in sin. That is always the case. Third, if God continues
to burden you with the sin, then you must prepare yourself with prayer and self
reflection, and scripture. Then, if the burden remains and you know you are
being called by God to go to the person, then go in love. Hopefully you already
have a relationship with the person.
This is important.
If the person refuses to hear you,
then you take it before 2 or 3 others. This is when you would go to the pastor
or other leader, as well as mutual friends. Now, “refuses to hear you” does not
mean that they refuse to obey your wishes or views. They might have valid
reasons, and even scripture for why they are doing what they have done. That’s
what talking alone will resolve.
Next, if the person won’t listen,
then take it to the church, and then treat them as a publican or sinner; which
basically means that you love them and pray for them but reduce fellowship with
them. This is done to protect the church from falling prey to the same sin the
person has committed, or to protect the offender from getting hurt as well in
some other way. The hope is that eventually God, will bring all parties to
their senses, and the relationship will be healed.
Churches are a gathering of
believers. They are a body, which has a purpose. That purpose is to reach
others for Christ, and to strengthen each other, to make us more effective
soldiers in this war. We need to follow the Spirit, and learn how to conduct
ourselves in ways that won’t drive others away from Christ, or from the
Body. I’m not saying that we must
conform to the standards the world sets on us; I’m saying that there are simple
methods in the Bible, laid down by the Lord Himself that can help us prevent
trouble before it starts; if we only will do it.
How people are treated within a
church body is important for keeping believers on a spiritual path and drawing
closer to the Lord and others in the body. Not driving them away into the world
where the Enemy seeks to devour them. Great resentment exists in the hearts of
many who turned to the Lord, and God’s children at a church drove them away.
Stop
doing it.
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Bio: Chris Bunton is a writer, poet and blogger from Southern Illinois. He has published in several magazines, and has written a poetry eBook called “Against the Man” and an Addiction Recovery eBook called “Made Free: Overcoming Addiction“ His newest book is called “The Future is Coming” and is a collection of dystopian short stories.
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Photo by the Author. A bridge over swampy waters on a trail in Southern Illinois.
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